“When we incessantly receive validation and perspective from others we become obligated to orbit the source of that energy”. -P.
In the warm embrace of my therapy practice, I’ve journeyed alongside countless individuals, each bearing their own stories, ranging from psychosis, mood disorders, and personality challenges to the intricate problems that arise from interpersonal relationships. While some concerns stem from organic chemical imbalances, I’ve noticed that a significant number of issues raised in our sessions are deeply rooted in interactions with others. What unites everyone who sits on my couch is an expressed worry about how they are perceived by those around them, often accompanied by a quiet whisper of fear—fear of rejection. Historically, psychology teaches us that our survival often hinges on a sense of belonging. As Darwin suggested, humans are social creatures, inherently wired for connection.
This innate drive to belong explains why, during times of depression, many retreat into isolation. In those dark moments, hope seems to fade and motivation wanes. One angle might argue that this retreat signals a decreased will to live, while another might suggest that shame drives us to isolate, creating a protective barrier against the world. To isolation, I would gently remind you: “Your secrets will keep you sick.” It can keep you trapped in a mental space that nurtures depression, shame, and guilt.
I share this to highlight our deep-rooted need for interaction, belonging, and love from the world around us. Yet, it’s essential to understand that there are healthy and unhealthy ways to find this sense of belonging. The unhealthy path often leads us down the road of mandatory thinking, where we are burdened by the weight of “should”: “I should be married by thirty,” “I should pursue a college degree even if my heart calls me elsewhere,” “I should conform to expectations despite my authentic self.” When we silence our own desires in favor of these imposed “shoulds,” we battle against ourselves, chasing society’s fleeting approval while dimming our own will.
Family dynamics can intensify these constructs. Expectations might loom large: “My mother should love me a certain way,” “My siblings should support me.” Together, in therapy, we work to dismantle the illusion of the “should.” I often encourage my clients with a simple reminder: “Stop ‘shoulding’ on yourself.” By constructing a reality built on “shoulds,” we inadvertently set ourselves up for disappointment through expectation. As one wise text imparts, “resentments are a direct reflection of expectations.”
It’s all too easy to lose your own voice amidst the chorus of others. In the company of friends, family, or even acquaintances, we frequently measure ourselves against those around us. Recognizing the admirable traits in others can sometimes cast shadows over our unique qualities, leading us to undervalue our own perspectives and opinions. This creates a never-ending cycle, where the need for external validation becomes a crutch. With too many voices vying for attention, the essence of our true selves risks being drowned out.
Here’s a gentle gem to carry with you: don’t let the voices of others drown out the thoughts in your own mind.
So here’s an action: before seeking the counsel of others, take a moment to write down your thoughts. This simple practice can clarify your mind and ensure that outside opinions and unspoken expectations do not cloud your inner voice.
-Petergay
